Words

Empty womb, barren, infertile,  conceptionally challenged,  hopeless, helpless, frustrated,  mad, sad, depressed,  sick, confused,  fearful, tearful, anxious, stressed,  pain, longing, desire, devastated.   Why me?

Sad day

One of my sweet friends had another loss today.  She and her husband had tried for about a year to get pregnant.   She was put on medication and she got pregnant with twins.  At 22 weeks she lost Baby A a girl.  A week latet she lost Baby B, a boy.  My heart hurts so much for her.  I pray for peace in her heart. 

How can I not part 2

It just never stops.  I am bombarded every day with images of babies.  My husband and I went to dinner and a cute couple with the most gorgeous baby boy sat directly across from us.  It is back to school time so everyone has pictures of their kiddos on Facebook.   I know I shouldn't complain.   I know if it is God's will then it will happen.  I saw a caption on Facebook today and it said, "Even miracles take time."  So true. 

How can I not?

I have been pretty open with my diagnosis of PCOS.  Most people are well meaning and say, "It will happen when it is supposed to happen" or "stop worrying and it will happen".   I know they mean well, but really how am I NOT supposed to think about it?  Every day of the month I have to take medicine twice a day.  I have to take medicine 7 days a month to kick start my period.  When I finally get a period I have to then take medicine on days 3-7 to help me ovulate.  Then 5 days after that I have to start peeing on a stick everyday to see if I ovulated or not.  Then I have to have sex every other day after that.  I cannot eat sugar, carbs, or consume caffeine.  I have to take extra fiber, a pre natal vitamin, an iron supplement, and another one.  I have to go to the doctor on day 21 for blood work.  Every aspect of my life revolves around having a baby.  I ask again, "How can I stop thinking about it?"  I dream about babies or not being able to have babies.  It invades my thoughts every single hour of the day. 

I know I am just supposed to enjoy this time as a wife.  I do.  I love my husband with all my heart.  He is my best friend.  Classes have started again so at least I have another distraction.  That is what everything is though...a distraction.  I don't want to talk about having babies all the time, but it just creeps up in almost every conversation.  I don't want to dwell on the negative.  This time last year I was consumed with our wedding and upcoming nuptials.  Now, I am researching the best fertility doctors that our insurance will cover.  I pour over TTC baby blogs and message boards.  I don't know what to do with myself. 

I keep praying for my miracle meanwhile I am trying to maintain my sanity.

The dreaded diagnosis

June 26, 2013, changed my life forever.  I had been having woman issues for over 35 days.  My pastor's wife was able to get me an appointment.  I went into the office feeling scared and tired.  I had to answer questions for over an hour about my female health and sex life.  I then had to endure the scary female "probe" A.K.A. the ultrasound.  Then I had to have the dreaded pap smear.  Dr. Wheeler was nice, personable, and knowledgeable.  I had not been to the ob/gyn for almost 6 years.  I had a very bad experience with the last one.  He told me that if I would lose weight I would be normal.  Well, Dr. Wheeler was much kinder.  He told me he was about 95% sure I had PCOS.  He wanted me to come back the next day for fasting blood work.  I did and a week later I started Metformin.  I had to also start progesterone to kick start another cycle.  It was just what I wanted after bleeding for almost 40 days.  Well, I had almost a week of peace before it started.  Then on day 3 of my cycle I started Clomid.  It was not too bad at first, but it got bad...I mean really bad.  I was so sick.  Then I was tired.  Then I was sick of being tired and tired of being sick.  I lost 6 pounds that week.  I couldn't get through the day without having to take a nap or lying down on the couch.  I had to use yet another sick day because I could not travel to the office.  I cried, I begged and pleaded with God to make it stop, and I wished for death.  It was a low moment. 

You see, I never really thought about kids that much.  I mean, they were in my plan, but I was never the girl that went ga-ga over babies. That all changed after I got married.  My biological clock started ticking...LOUDLY!  I couldn't pass a baby without smiling.  I couldn't look at a baby bump without feeling a bit jealous.  I completely lost it on Mother's Day at church.  So, now here I am, 36 and childless.  I want to have a family with my husband.  I want to be a mom.  When I was younger I wanted to take over the world, but now, I want babies. 

Now, I am faced with the possibility of never having babies.  I know there are a lot of steps I can try to help my situation, but it is always in the back of my mind.  For now, I just keep praying for my miracle.