The dreaded diagnosis

June 26, 2013, changed my life forever.  I had been having woman issues for over 35 days.  My pastor's wife was able to get me an appointment.  I went into the office feeling scared and tired.  I had to answer questions for over an hour about my female health and sex life.  I then had to endure the scary female "probe" A.K.A. the ultrasound.  Then I had to have the dreaded pap smear.  Dr. Wheeler was nice, personable, and knowledgeable.  I had not been to the ob/gyn for almost 6 years.  I had a very bad experience with the last one.  He told me that if I would lose weight I would be normal.  Well, Dr. Wheeler was much kinder.  He told me he was about 95% sure I had PCOS.  He wanted me to come back the next day for fasting blood work.  I did and a week later I started Metformin.  I had to also start progesterone to kick start another cycle.  It was just what I wanted after bleeding for almost 40 days.  Well, I had almost a week of peace before it started.  Then on day 3 of my cycle I started Clomid.  It was not too bad at first, but it got bad...I mean really bad.  I was so sick.  Then I was tired.  Then I was sick of being tired and tired of being sick.  I lost 6 pounds that week.  I couldn't get through the day without having to take a nap or lying down on the couch.  I had to use yet another sick day because I could not travel to the office.  I cried, I begged and pleaded with God to make it stop, and I wished for death.  It was a low moment. 

You see, I never really thought about kids that much.  I mean, they were in my plan, but I was never the girl that went ga-ga over babies. That all changed after I got married.  My biological clock started ticking...LOUDLY!  I couldn't pass a baby without smiling.  I couldn't look at a baby bump without feeling a bit jealous.  I completely lost it on Mother's Day at church.  So, now here I am, 36 and childless.  I want to have a family with my husband.  I want to be a mom.  When I was younger I wanted to take over the world, but now, I want babies. 

Now, I am faced with the possibility of never having babies.  I know there are a lot of steps I can try to help my situation, but it is always in the back of my mind.  For now, I just keep praying for my miracle.